The benefit of the doubt

Life lesson and reminder #2705

Some thing I've learned, packaged in diverse lesson plans throughout my life, is to give people the benefit of the doubt.

the benefit of the doubt: a favorable judgment granted in the absence of full evidence.

In relationships of all kinds, it’s easy to forget that “nobody is perfect.”

Nobody is perfect; that shouldn't be much of a surprise, right?  However, many interpersonal conflicts could be resolved or at least de-magnified if we remembered this often.  If we remembered this tenet, we would be slow to make judgments, condemnations; basically assume the worst.  In other words, we treat people as if they were perfect beings and when something happens to contradict that, we forget that we are not perfect beings.

In line with the reason for the Christmas season, there's only one perfect person that's ever been created and we mark His birth in a couple weeks. He is seated at the right Hand of the Father, right now! No one presently alive has physically seen Him as a man. That is Jesus. *cue Revelation Song*

With that said, if we remember that "nobody is perfect," forgiving becomes much more second nature, as it should be for Christians.

So my two cents with this post are:

First, in personal relationships: family, friendships, etc. when you feel wronged or when you would assume the worst based on someone’s actions or statements, just give the person the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions from your assumptions.  More times than not, you learn that your assumptions are actually inaccurate, once you eventually receive the explanation you ask for (key phrase: "ask for" read: communication).

Just stop and think, is this person who you once called friend, brother or what have you, willfully trying to be malicious? More times than not, I think, it is not the case.  I highly doubt that a person you (wisely/willingly) held in close quarters would be willfully malicious or intentionally seek to "stab you in the back" (not talking about work relationships though, see below). I know the heart of man is desperately wicked but in these instances, I just don't think people you've let into your inner circle would just snap, (save any psychological issues, God forbid).

There’s probably just a misunderstanding that you ought to clear up. This clearing up involves, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, intentional communication, and forgiving, regardless of the outcome. Also note, the other person may not have the same idea of forgiveness as you but that doesn't [shouldn't] change your duty or response.

Yes, you also have a duty...

I was wrong. I am sorry. Will you forgive me? How can I make things better? Learn these phrases... Use them when needed.
— tolu a. (@tolulope8) November 25, 2012

Oddly enough, today someone referenced a Lecrae tweet, which he originally tweeted on July 15, 2012!.....!!!!.....!!!!!!! That's my birthday!!! Get out! lol

Never assume people's motives. It's the easiest way to find yourself upset over nothing or misjudging people.
— Lecrae (@lecrae) July 16, 201

I’m noticing more and more that I’m giving people of the benefit of the doubt and it feels great, feels free.  I think I get it from my mom, who always chooses to see the good side of people. And also from an understanding that there are always so many facts and perceptions to one story.  Uncovering every fact would be the only just way to get to the bottom of an issue.

So for me, I'm focusing on the good side of people, not really being consumed with the facts though (I mean who really has time for that, life is too short for all that, I'm on a mission), and just forgiving quickly. (read: Nike slogan: just do it. *shrug*) How much does it cost you to hold on to something? BUT, how much is it worth. It's not worth it. Love keeps no records of wrongs. 

Forgiving as I was forgiven, Merry Christmas to me.

--------
End note

On another (professional setting) note, someone, (I’ll call them a more experienced practitioner), told me this recently regarding our line of work, (and someone told this to that person): always assume [someone on the other side] is lying just a little bit.

Since I’m relatively new to the full-time work scene, I can’t comment much on that, but it sounded like a good piece of advice, as an encouragement to ask more questions; the harder questions, the deeper questions, in an investigation.  

Although, ironically, in my field, typically, you’re innocent until proven guilty. *shrug* Then again, maybe that "innocent until proven guilty" tenet is mainly relevant in the courts of criminal law... maybe it's not even really relevant there! :-o Another post for another day.

Heavenly Hindsight

Nothing puts life in perspective like death. Each of us has a predestined appointment to die once. No matter who we are, what we’ve done or how much we’re worth, we will die, and there is no escaping it.  How we live on this side will determine which side of eternity we wake up into. How we live on this side will determine whether we are in fact resting in “peace” or eternal damnation.

On Wednesday, January 25th at 12:25PM, my dear grandmother went to sleep and woke up in the presence of the Lord, no doubt about it.  Her faith was secure decades ago, but she kept on running her race, walking out her salvation with fear and trembling.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, she encountered could see her love for Christ.

As humans, emotional beings, we tend to mourn the loss of a loved one because we remember the times we’ve shared and imagine how life will be going forward without this person who played a role in our life.  And that’s okay, there’s a time for that.  Yet, we do not mourn as the unbelievers that have no hope.  For we know as real as death is, Heaven is real too.

Each time I begin to sorrowfully mourn my grandma's death, I have to check myself: “don’t you believe Heaven is real?” “Wasn’t she unquestionably saved?” (or as my brother called her a “professional Christian”) Then, I must know that now that she is absent from her body, she is present with the Lord.

"To the unbeliever, their last day on earth is the worst day of their life. To the believer, their last day on earth is the best day of their life." January 25, 2012, was the best day of my grandma's life, just short of a year after my grandfather was called home. Therefore, it is a celebration!

In the last couple weeks, several people I know have become bereaved.  Today, I attended my friend’s father’s funeral. And I’d never really refer to a funeral as a “good” funeral but that was a good funeral/homegoing celebration.  I left this funeral uplifted and encouraged by his life and legacy.  This home going ceremony, coupled with the things people have been saying in honor of my grandma, as well as the fact that we are  pilgrims, passing through this vapor of a life, motivate me more, to live with my eyes on Heaven.

The question before me now and henceforth is: What will I say when I get to Heaven?  I’m just thinking of that video of my life that will play with the choices I made and the choices I am making. For example, imagine, how embarrassing it will be for me to try to explain an offense I held in my heart (or something else sinful). When I’m at the judgment seat of Christ, accounting for everything I’ve said, done, or thought, how will I explain all my choices to my Father? If the opportunity presents itself, which I'd imagine it could, since we'll be there forever: what will I say to my brother or sister in Christ?  "Oh yeah that time….yeah I was mad because….and yeah that was it. *blank stare* Yeah, it seems really lame and petty, I don’t even know how I could let that affect me. I wish I handled that differently. Thank God He let me in, even after that. So, yeah....” *awkward* Mercy me.

Philippians 3: 18-20 --actually read the whole chapter, letter, testament, etc. for context :)
For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame—who set their mind on earthly things. For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ

We get caught up in all these trivial things of the world that will have no value in the age to come.  I want to live my life with a Heavenly Hindsight. I will (try to) live my life with a Heavenly Hindsight, daily. Grace, Lord.

"So I won't lose heart on this journey, in this vapor called life."

Love keeps no record of wrongs for me

Earlier this week, I thought to myself: it’s a good thing Love keeps no record of wrong because if Love kept a record of wrongs, some people would be really screwed," for lack of a better word.

As I thought about this aspect of love, certain instances and certain people I have observed came to mind.  I would easily place these people in the "fickle" category.  Apparently, whenever they are ready to return to the status quo, they will, regardless of whatever may have transpired during the last encounter. 

I wondered what could possibly be going on in their mind for them to think everything is just okay, whenever they like, without so much as a clarification, explanation, caramel apple, something.  Did they single-handedly delete that part of history? Or independently resolve any qualms the night before, while I was sleeping, no less.  I guess so.  My only justification was that: this particular section of the oft-quoted and inscribed "Love is" scripture reference must be one of their favorite passages, because they are surely taking advantage of it!

How pious of me! As if I have done not anything worthy of being recorded as wrong. As if I am not guilty of the same offense and even worse. As if.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3

Daily I do things, to others and God, that would leave me speechless and without sensible explanation at the judgment seat.  For example, anytime I doubt the Lord’s leadership and miraculous power, it’s sin because anything done without faith is sin. See Romans 14:23.  Additionally, if all my thoughts were transcribed, well, God please have mercy.

By God’s grace, these wrongs, that would otherwise be recorded if not for love, will decrease.  Meanwhile, I need to change my perspective in my everyday analysis of what or who is really wrong.  When considering what someone else does "wrong," I must weigh my faults greater.  There’s always a plank in my eye and a speck in the other person’s eye, all the time, every time.

The "love keeps no record of wrongs" isn’t for “them,” it’s for me.

Friends, how many of us have them?

I had an interesting discussion with a group of friends about the term: friend.

Well, what is a friend? What point does a friend become a friend? Do you know friends from associates?

This is a topic I was evaluating in the past couple weeks and something I was seriously considering just as the conversation topic was initiated. One of those, -oh my, mums the word, but I surely won't let that happen again- moments.

I prescribe to the “choose your friends, don’t let your friends choose you” practice, or at least I try to. I’m a cross between an extroverted introvert and an ambivert, not fully satisfied with either classification, (more on that later). So, I have the potential to have the “crew” if I put a little more effort and the time and attention it takes to maintain one, but I don’t particularly care to have a crew.  I’ve never really had one either, ever.  My groupings go as far as close friend, a friend or an associate.  I can pretty much get along with anyone, but only a few people really know me. Those are the people I consider close friends.

However, a few times, just a few, an error of judgment has caused me to misplace a person.   I hold expectations for people based on the way I perceive the friendship due to my actions – the way I treat them, or their mixed actions, the way they treat me, sometimes.  In other words, I would think someone is a friend but based on a certain unexpected action, or recurring actions, I have given myself just cause to demote them.  Or on the other hand, I thought I was just an associate to someone but they really came through in a caring and loving way, as a friend should, so they get promoted.

I’m learning more and more that the term friend is a wide continuum.  Because of this, the word friend gets thrown around loosely.  Superficially, everyone is a friend.  We’ve added so many different meanings to it and in a major way, detracted from what a friend really is supposed to be, living under a guise of deception, all for what? Securing insecurites? Please.

For example, sometimes I will see a "crew" (friend-pair or group) and I’m curious to know how they became friends. Are all of them really friends or were they really close in the past so now out of obligation they tolerate each other, and a host of other questions when it just doesn’t seem right. Is it just for show? Do you really know what that person is going through? This just seems too surface for me.

And thanks to social networking we have given more leeway to the term friend. “We’re friends on facebook,” does not automatically translate to we are friends in reality.

What if we compartmentalized our friends in the following manner:

• Friend that sticks closer than a brother – well, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and if you're married, maybe your spouse as a far second and/or if you're the type of person to have a "best" friend, then your best friend. Sidebar: if you are married, I would like to think your spouse is your best friend.
  
• Family-friends – friendships formed within your family – siblings, cousins, parents, children, in-laws etc.
• Friends of the family– friends you’ve grown up with; your families are friends, you mark birthdays together and attend each others' graduations, these are the default people always on the guest list, they do not need an invitation. You carry yourselves out to the public as relatives because you're that close.
  
• All around Friends – Friends that you have depth with, understanding, history, trust, communication, love. You may have even had a disagreement a few times but you were able to move past the disagreement in value of the friendship. (Granted, an individual falling into any of the above 3 categories could very well fit in this category). You can call them anytime and talk to them about anything. They know you inside and out. You are free with them and they also hold you accountable. You have some similarities but it does not mean you are carbon copies.
• Friends for specific purposes - These are friends that you would only call for specific reasons as opposed to anytime or for anything. These may also include the friends that are friends by title and not in deed fully. Or they used to be all around friends, but they got demoted when you noticed they only call you when they need something.
• Pen Pal friends – These are friends you have made connections with from living in different parts of the world and now your main form of communication, primarily due to your relocation and distance, is random infrequent texts, an email here and there, skype once in a while or form of regular or irregular cyber communication. This includes liking all or most of their facebook activity and the like. Perhaps, they used to be all around friends but because of the ease of mobile phone usage and your lack of using it, they are no longer classified as All around friends- they've been demoted, replaced - eek. But both parties are okay with this or too busy to notice.
• Cyber friends – Your relationship apart from 1 or 2 meetings by happenstance, or mutual friends is strictly over the internet, facebook, twitter, etc. Once in a while you reach out to them over the world wide web but your conversation is surface level. These friends may also have been in another group higher up at one period in your life, but lack of effort to maintain the friendship has placed the friendship in this category.
• Associates – you have mutual friends from (common gathering ie. church) and you’re cordial in public, but that’s about as far as it goes, there is no relationship behind closed doors.

I don’t know of anyone who does this. I think that is partially OCD. I would actually like to meet you if you do.

Well back to the demotion; this can detrimental when done out of emotion.  I know in the past, I have created my own reasons for a person's actions instead of communicating with the person to understand why they did something.  For example, I'm like this happened again, [insert my reason here], well obviously they were not listening the first time, (if they were worthy of a first time). Not much seventy times seven going on there.  Or I've “let it go” but still harbor offense in my heart; the bait of Satan.  So in turn the issue is still there and I've single-handedly changed the dynamics of the friendship, causing avoidable strife in the Body and the other person may not even have a clue, even though I think they should, because from my perspective it was so blatant (so bogus).

There’s a lot of expectation but not enough communication. –Nosa Osai

I am writing this not to say that I am merely reevaluating relationships, although I am. But more so as a reminder for me to focus on the person's qualities and the foundation of the friendship, instead of separating and magnifying the issue or action that has caused discontent.  Humans will disappoint you, it is inevitable, since I'm human I cannot fault another for this.

Along with this, I am learning not to lean on my own understanding when analyzing another person's actions, especially when I do not understand how a "friend" could do that.  I've noticed, when I lean on my own understanding without giving them a chance to explain themselves, I am attempting to protect my future interests -that being "self."    Instead, I need to initiate communication on the issue, if I truly value them as a friend.  Friends should prayerfully, constructively hash and settle their issues together, if they truly value the friendship; it's a two way street.

Furthermore, I write this as a challenge to myself to be a better a friend. :) "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." Matthew 7:12. 

What is the best vitamin for maintaining a healthy friendship? 

B1 ;-)

Temporary Abode

I’ve witnessed some "interesting" things in my current setting. Some have the potential to be offensive and some actually are offensive. But the way I deal with it is by telling myself:

"This is only a temporary abode. I’m only here for a few more weeks. I won’t let something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things affect me. I’m a sojourner, 'a pilgrim just passing through.'"

Role Play Ideally

A Child of God/bride of Christ with different strokes: Offensive statement or action. 

Same Child of God/bride of Christ: Silence or Apology 

Me: Silence or correction.

Me: Forgiven.

It’s just that simple.

I’m trying to transfer the temporary abode mentality I've adopted here, to the way I approach every day, since this earth is our temporary abode. Any offense I experience from anyone is truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things; the ages to come.

You’ve probably seen that high school senior/college freshman facebook philosophy: "Forgive but never forget," usually after they’ve been hurt, oftentimes by a repeat offender. If you’re like me you remember almost (~99.9%) everything. It comes in handy in an organizational setting, but when trying to be Christ-like mmm not so much – I’m working on it ;-)

Still, for the most part, the most part being my entire existence, anything that anyone has accused me of or offended me with cannot be as offensive or more offensive than what I could be guilty of at the judgment seat; including my thoughts, for as a man thinketh in his heart so is he.

But God’s mercies, makes it so simple.

At any time, I can come boldly before the Throne of Grace and ask for His mercy and, I’m forgiven. It’s just that simple.

• "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
• "Forgive us our trespasses while or to the same extent, we forgive those who trespass against us." (yikes!)

That simple sentence is embedded in the prayer teaching us how to pray. It is a prayer some of us have prayed before we could read. This very sentence, in this very prayer, needs to become my reality, all the time. And I will admit, it's not my reality, all the time. With the temporary abode mentality it ought to be just that simple. These offenses will not matter in eternity, but the way I respond to it now will matter.

"This is only a temporary abode. I’m only here for X years. I won’t let something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things affect me. I’m a sojourner, 'a pilgrim just passing through.'" Olorun s'anu mi (and help me).

 "We now confess, that we are just pilgrims,
just passing through, seeking a homeland, 
come from above, a heavenly country, 
Not made with hands, whose builder is the LORD." - Tolu Akande