The benefit of the doubt

Life lesson and reminder #2705

Some thing I've learned, packaged in diverse lesson plans throughout my life, is to give people the benefit of the doubt.

the benefit of the doubt: a favorable judgment granted in the absence of full evidence.

In relationships of all kinds, it’s easy to forget that “nobody is perfect.”

Nobody is perfect; that shouldn't be much of a surprise, right?  However, many interpersonal conflicts could be resolved or at least de-magnified if we remembered this often.  If we remembered this tenet, we would be slow to make judgments, condemnations; basically assume the worst.  In other words, we treat people as if they were perfect beings and when something happens to contradict that, we forget that we are not perfect beings.

In line with the reason for the Christmas season, there's only one perfect person that's ever been created and we mark His birth in a couple weeks. He is seated at the right Hand of the Father, right now! No one presently alive has physically seen Him as a man. That is Jesus. *cue Revelation Song*

With that said, if we remember that "nobody is perfect," forgiving becomes much more second nature, as it should be for Christians.

So my two cents with this post are:

First, in personal relationships: family, friendships, etc. when you feel wronged or when you would assume the worst based on someone’s actions or statements, just give the person the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions from your assumptions.  More times than not, you learn that your assumptions are actually inaccurate, once you eventually receive the explanation you ask for (key phrase: "ask for" read: communication).

Just stop and think, is this person who you once called friend, brother or what have you, willfully trying to be malicious? More times than not, I think, it is not the case.  I highly doubt that a person you (wisely/willingly) held in close quarters would be willfully malicious or intentionally seek to "stab you in the back" (not talking about work relationships though, see below). I know the heart of man is desperately wicked but in these instances, I just don't think people you've let into your inner circle would just snap, (save any psychological issues, God forbid).

There’s probably just a misunderstanding that you ought to clear up. This clearing up involves, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, intentional communication, and forgiving, regardless of the outcome. Also note, the other person may not have the same idea of forgiveness as you but that doesn't [shouldn't] change your duty or response.

Yes, you also have a duty...

I was wrong. I am sorry. Will you forgive me? How can I make things better? Learn these phrases... Use them when needed.
— tolu a. (@tolulope8) November 25, 2012

Oddly enough, today someone referenced a Lecrae tweet, which he originally tweeted on July 15, 2012!.....!!!!.....!!!!!!! That's my birthday!!! Get out! lol

Never assume people's motives. It's the easiest way to find yourself upset over nothing or misjudging people.
— Lecrae (@lecrae) July 16, 201

I’m noticing more and more that I’m giving people of the benefit of the doubt and it feels great, feels free.  I think I get it from my mom, who always chooses to see the good side of people. And also from an understanding that there are always so many facts and perceptions to one story.  Uncovering every fact would be the only just way to get to the bottom of an issue.

So for me, I'm focusing on the good side of people, not really being consumed with the facts though (I mean who really has time for that, life is too short for all that, I'm on a mission), and just forgiving quickly. (read: Nike slogan: just do it. *shrug*) How much does it cost you to hold on to something? BUT, how much is it worth. It's not worth it. Love keeps no records of wrongs. 

Forgiving as I was forgiven, Merry Christmas to me.

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End note

On another (professional setting) note, someone, (I’ll call them a more experienced practitioner), told me this recently regarding our line of work, (and someone told this to that person): always assume [someone on the other side] is lying just a little bit.

Since I’m relatively new to the full-time work scene, I can’t comment much on that, but it sounded like a good piece of advice, as an encouragement to ask more questions; the harder questions, the deeper questions, in an investigation.  

Although, ironically, in my field, typically, you’re innocent until proven guilty. *shrug* Then again, maybe that "innocent until proven guilty" tenet is mainly relevant in the courts of criminal law... maybe it's not even really relevant there! :-o Another post for another day.

Lord, I believe but kill my unbelief.

My sermon notes of 10/28/12 @JHouseDallas...

If you are familiar with the Israelites delivery from captivity and subsequent journey in the wilderness, you know that: first, it took Pharaoh 10 plagues before he finally let God’s people go.

Second, you will recall, that an 11 day journey from Egypt to the Promised Land took them 40 years!

Lastly, once delivered, the Israelites forgot about all He had done to bring them out of captivity and began to murmur against Moses, (for apparently bringing them into the wilderness to die, which they eventually did in fact, but not because of Moses.) Everyone, over 20, was delivered but never made it to the Promised Land. They fell short of the destiny the Lord had for them. May that not be our portion in Jesus name.

Sometimes, as you may have experienced, God purposely allows delays or extensions in our life because He knows we are not ready for what He wants to give us.

God purposely delayed the Israelites for two of the 40 years. He said if the Israelites take one way, the shorter route, they may get scared and return to Egypt. So the Lord led them along the longer route, which took them 2 years.

He knows we may exhibit fear, immaturity or other adverse effects in the destiny He has planned for us (Jeremiah 29:11). So for our own good, He brings delay. He knows better and best. If we were to receive that open door, new song or blessing we've been believing Him for in 11 days hypothetically instead of 2 years hypothetically again, we may (may) not be able to handle our blessing appropriately and effectively.

Sometimes, as you also may have experienced, delay can be due to your lack of faith and unbelief. God delayed the Israelites for two years because He knew they would become fearful and return to Egypt. However, the remaining 38 years in the wilderness, wer due to their murmuring, complaints; essentially unbelief. No one from that generation (20+ and over), except for Joshua and Caleb, made it to the Promised Land because of their unbelief.

In Mark 9:24, the father of the sick little girl says: “Lord, I believe but help my unbelief.”

We need the Lord to help our unbelief. Our unbelief can be the equivalent of murmuring. Our unbelief can be equivalent of us returning to Egypt. Egypt is not a geographical location per se but rather a state of mind or return to old ways.

He helped the unbelief of the Israelites by not allowing any of the unbelieving generation to enter into the Promised Land. Our unbelief cannot enter our promise land or Heaven.

It’s time to stop running back to Egypt when things are tough. Let’s stop running back to the ways of the world, or the ways of old habits, when there is a challenge. It’s time to strengthen our faith and take our Kingdom and our Promised Land by force!

Lastly, even though we have the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, the LORD still tells us in Matthew, that the Kingdom of God suffers violence, but the violent, the militant, they, take it by force. The strength of your faith determines the speed of our breakthrough.  When things are not working the way you would have liked them to, it is time to give God the glory. When [fill in the blank], it is time to give God the glory.

God overwhelmed Pharaoh with 10 plagues.  In the same way, He will overwhelm your enemies.

The problem is not the struggle. The problem is how we respond to the struggle.

Lord, I believe, but kill my unbelief. Give me grace to strengthen my faith and take what is mine by force! #Breakthrough!

Gracious Speech

A cyber convo . . . 

Friend: If God gives you the opportunity to go to Heaven with one person, who will you go with?
Me: Maybe a Muslim or an atheist.
Friend: Why a Muslim?
Me: *long pause* *thinking* So they can see Jesus the way I see Him.
Friend: But they believe in God.
Me: But? I said “so they can see Jesus the way I see Him.” What do you mean by “but?”
Friend: But they believe in God…
Me: How is that related to my reason?
Friend: I just feel if any other religion besides Christianity believes in God, I don’t care how they get to HIM. Just me personally.
Me: Different religions do not see Jesus the same way. If I had a chance to take someone to Heaven with me, it would be someone who sees Jesus in a different way, so they can see Him the way I see Him, at the right hand of the Father, like in Revelation.
Friend: Oh okay, I see what you are saying. 

Why did I post this? Because what may seem obvious to me as a Christian is not necessarily obvious for every Christian. We all have arrived on our Christianity path from diverse backgrounds. His Word states that there is only one way to the Father. However, someone had to deliver that message to me in a way that I would first, receive and second, understand. I had to think about the best way to respond and prayed for grace in my answer, even the short and quick prayers can get answered promptly. 

I heard this recently: “you might say you don’t care what "they" say about you, God knows your heart etc., but you should care about what they say about your Jesus.” 

I care about what they say about my Jesus. Because of that, I care about the way I deliver His message. 

So just keep this in mind whenever you’re delivering part of His message (pro-life, Biblical definition of marriage, only one way to the Father) to someone who needs to receive it in a way that they can understand, without condemnation or belittling. It's also important to note that this conversation is with a friend where there is a tendency to relax the boundaries since we are in a safer zone. Even still, I need grace on my words, just the same.

Colossians 4:6 

New Living Translation -- Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.

The Message -- Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.

Amplified -- Let your speech at all times be gracious (pleasant and winsome), seasoned [as it were] with salt, [so that you may never be at a loss] to know how you ought to answer anyone [who puts a question to you]. 

A glimpse of the Throne

Earlier today, I went to Fellowship Loop, a monthly lunchtime service in Macy's downtown hosted by Fellowship Missionary Baptist Church.  You know the minister who sings God is Awesome, that's his church.  During worship, and that song in particular, I found myself focusing (imagining/meditating) on the 24 elders and the 4 living creatures at the Throne in Heaven.

Revelation 4: 4, 6-84  Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and on the thrones I saw twenty-four elders sitting, clothed in white robes; and they had crowns of gold on their heads. 

6B And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures full of eyes in front and in back. ⁷ The first living creature was like a lion, the second living creature like a calf, the third living creature had a face like a man, and the fourth living creature was like a flying eagle. ⁸ The four living creatures, each having six wings, were full of eyes around and within.

Little did I know, my ride home at the end of the night, would involve other aspects of The Throne. As I was leaving my car to go inside my church, there was not a cloud in sight. So I disregarded the thunderstorm warning and left my umbrella in the car. After all, they've been wrong before, it was already 7pm and the watch was until 8pm.  However, by the time we left church, the scenery had drastically changed. It felt like a scene out of a Dixie Chicks song.  And I was driving like I just received my permit and my driving instructor was in the passenger seat making me feel very uncomfortable. 

I was so focused on the road. I was driving in lightning and thunder: I could feel it.  Lightning and thunder were seconds apart in a call and response, throughout my trip.  High winds, severe thunderstorm and even tornado watches!  I thought at any moment a car could slam into the divider or spin, God forbid.  Moreover, some of the lights on the expressway were out, so visibility was extremely hindered.  My gentle assurance prayer "Lord cover this car with the blood of Jesus" soon elevated into a plead. 

This was one of the longest dangerous rides I can remember in my history of driving, (11 years or so), even driving 4 hours on a normally 2 hour trip in a snowstorm up the interstate did not compare to this.  For one, I already don't like driving in severe rain from a previous incident. That incident was nothing compared to tonight. Two, I was riding solo this time in contrast to the snowstorm ride.  


Cars were pulled over to the side on the expressway, other cars were driving well under the speed minimum.  At some parts, the expressway was empty. I just kept on going, pleading the blood of Jesus for protection, it was that serious. It might not have been the smartest thing to do, but I was determined to get home safe and sound as soon as I could, plus it's been a long day and I was calculating my hours of sleep tonight.  Part of me with a hindsight aforethought, thought each time I passed a bridge, I should probably pull over, but I just kept going.


Thank God I made it home safely!


Throughout all that, I kept thinking The Throne is much more intense than this, unquestionably. See for yourself: The Throne - Revelation 4


Yet, He asks us to come boldly before Him, boldly before His Throne. Hebrews 4:16


Now that I made it home safely, the intensity of The Throne is magnified in me. Coming boldly before His Throne has new meaning for me. We haven't seen a thing yet! 


My God is truly awesome.

In Jesus name, LORD we asatata-shouldaboughtahyundaibutinsteadiboughtanaccord... WHAT!

So yesterday, we had lunch with the Pastor. We being Reflections, one of the arts groups in the church (conducting skits etc. pre-sermon to illustrate a current teaching topic or theme) It was a somewhat informal lunch; open forum style. Family members were invited, little children and what not. People were served at their seats 2 by 2…

Christianah, did you bless the food?
Oh man, Pastor called me out. (If you’re following, Christianah is the Nigerian-English form of pronouncing my name).
Oya, bless the food. (Translated: Bless the food, now).
Has my Pastor heard me pray before? (not that it matters, but just wondering) . . . In Jesus name…

I was just thinking, (a little Monday #LBS: laughing but serious), what if I began with the typical food blessing prayers and then busted out in tongues...! You would probably be like: what? Whoa! I know I would certainly have the “you cannot be serious” look on my face that I honestly don’t do a good job of hiding sometimes. ;)

This is kind of similar to my feelings about a prayer leader, leading a group in prayer and the majority of the prayer is in tongues. Key word: majority. What are you saying? This is distracting. Some of my energy is then spent tuning out the prayer leader.

Definitely not attacking or denying the power and the at times spontaneous nature of tongues but this is just something that is slightly bothersome when it is deliberate, loud (with or without the mic but usually with the mic) and in a corporate setting for corporate prayer. (Please note the specific qualifications).

So much so, that I remember wanting to go up to a Brother and thank him for the way he led his prayer set during a 24-7 prayerthon. (I didn't, not yet.) It was entirely in English, the language of the majority, and spoken with clarity.

A few of my friends and I have briefly discussed this recently and some are doing a study on it. I would like to hear your thoughts if you have some revelation or thoughts on this topic/practice as well. Let's rightly divide the word of truth.

Below are some verses I pulled from 1 Corinthians 14, but please read it in its entirety.

6) But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you unless I speak to you either by revelation, by knowledge, by prophesying, or by teaching?

9) So likewise you, unless you utter by the tongue words easy to understand, how will it be known what is spoken? For you will be speaking into the air.

11) Therefore, if I do not know the meaning of the language, I shall be a foreigner to him who speaks, and he who speaks will be a foreigner to me.

12) Even so you, since you are zealous for spiritual gifts, let it be for the edification of the church that you seek to excel.

13) Therefore let him who speaks in a tongue pray that he may interpret.

14) For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prays, but my understanding is unfruitful.

19) yet in the church I would rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may teach others also, than ten thousand words in a tongue.

22) Therefore tongues are for a sign, not to those who believe but to unbelievers; but prophesying is not for unbelievers but for those who believe.

23) Therefore if the whole church comes together in one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in those who are uninformed or unbelievers, will they not say that you are out of your mind?

27) If anyone speaks in a tongue, let there be two or at the most three, each in turn, and let one interpret.

Religious v. Relationship

Pulling one out of the archives, after various conversations about my Independent Study: seeking to see and learn about Jesus from different perspectives, just like studying the Gospels. It does not substitute an independent relationship with The Father. This post is almost a year old and there's several more where this came from. Anyway, here it is, unedited, unchanged from it's original version circa May, 2011, in Lawrenceville, Georgia. I'll probably dig back into the archives to post a few more soon.

Religious v. Relationship

Thoughts cross my mind when I see the several denominations and practices all under the umbrella of Christianity. I drive passed another church and wonder what it would be like to fellowship with that congregation or denomination. As Christians, we have so many degrees of Christianity.

To the outsider surveying religions generally, Muslims or Jews appear very religious because of their visible adherence to a strict set of rules. The five pillars of Islam mandate a Muslim to pray five times a day at set times a day. The Jews believe salvation can be bought by works.

In contrast, Christianity contains a wider spectrum of religious practices due to people breaking away and starting their own sects. For Christians, we have varied interpretations of what is Christianity and therefore various rules we abide by resulting in several denominations.

Sometimes I see statements such as “Christianity is watered down” because we are all diverse in our practice or adherence to our beliefs and what we prioritize after the first two commandments. I’ll also see people quoting Ghandi “I like your Christ, I don’t like your Christians.” That’s one of the most incorrect statements documented. There’s no way you could like Christ, without liking His Christians.

We’re all going to church with the same end goal; to be in Heaven together with the Father. You can pray five times a day or 50 times a day and other people may or may not see what you’re doing. For Christianity, what matters is your heart. Therefore, denomination or intra religious debates puts our focus on a topic we are not qualified to judge.

Many times we want religious rigidity.

“Christianity is always less of a set of rules and more of a heart posture.” - Tolu Akande

God will look at the heart of all Christians at the judgment seat. We cannot gage how connected anyone’s heart is to the Father. We cannot judge someone’s heart or intentions for what they are doing. And though works are good and needed, our works will mean nothing if our heart was disconnected to the Greatest One of all, the Greatest love of All!

Deliver us from mere routine and religion. We don’t need religion. We need relationship. An intimate relationship of our heart seeking the Father’s heart and the emotions and attributes of Him.

“So what if I know all the language, so what if I sing all the songs, if my heart’s disconnected from the Greatest One of all.” –Caleb Andrews

“When we pursue religious acts without pursuing the knowledge of God, we are also in danger of becoming Pharisees.”

Sunday Reflection: Trinity United Church of Christ Chicago

I didn’t get the memo: today must be Africa Day or International Day, I thought to myself as I entered the Trinity United Church of Christ sanctuary Sunday morning.


What a beautiful sight. The entire choir, of about 100 people, was robed in various traditional West African attire.


I took a quick picture. This was President Obama’s church and after the youtube incident, their policies on recording or taking pictures have tightened.

Anywho, I couldn’t find my folks. I thought it would be fairly easy to spot them, with the mindset that this is an African American church so all I have to do is look for the people with outstanding headties and colorful cloths.


The occasion: my little cousin’s baby dedication. Funny enough, all of us 16 deep, wore English attire, save my mom, aunt and a friend with a blendable Ankara skirt under an English top - a style many of the Generation-Y have adopted. However, almost EVERYONE else, the choir, the pastor, the assistants, had on traditional attire. 


I went downstairs and decided I'd better get a seat because the church was filling quickly. I ended up walking in behind two of my friends.  Judy, I didn't know today was African Day.  "They wear this every Sunday."


I sat in awe and amazement. I couldn’t help but to think about how life would be had there not been slavery. Seeing that my analysis could go further, thinking “well, they supposedly brought Christianity to Africa,” I let that go and continued focusing on the choir. There was even a man shaking a shekere. We have one at home. I go to a “Nigerian” church and we don’t even use that.

This was so amazing to me.  At brunch, someone in our group said “I felt more African in this church than in my own church!” Sounds like a conversation with the Pastor is forthcoming.  Although, I will say at our church, traditional attire is encouraged every first Sunday, Thanksgiving Sunday.

I really liked the emphasis on turning the hearts of the father to the children and the children to the father. There were about 8 children dedicated to the Lord yesterday, each wearing white.  The assistant pastor read the parents vows.  Then, the pastor came up to each group. One parent would say the first name, the other parent would say the second name, and the rest of the group was tasked with saying the surname. 


Funny enough, my cousin was the only “African” name, which caused the Pastor to pause to ensure accurate pronunciation.  The pastor dedicated the children each individually, in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.  Then the mother would place a bracelet around the child's wrist.  After that the father’s take their children up to the pulpit. An assistant comes in and places salt, vinegar and honey in each child’s mouth via q-tip. Then the father’s hold up their children in unison, facing east, north, west, and south with a very powerful Lion King-esque style music playing in the background. It was so beautiful!

I wish my eyes could take pictures. I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.