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Secret Place of the Most High, Kingdom
Learned Student, Honest.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Are we reading the same book, what page are you on? . . . oh.

Men and women view relationships differently (to a certain extent). . . {Well duh} <--- stating the obvious – but is it so obvious?

I remember this saying I once heard: "a woman enters a relationship wanting to get married, while a man wants to get married and then decides to find a wife." If that statement holds true, then there is a greater likelihood that any two given people, in their early to mid-twenties, starting a relationship, will be on a different page, when it comes to the purpose and ultimate goal (or lack thereof) of the relationship.

I met up with a friend from undergrad, earlier this month, and it was interesting to see (or hear) this in action . . .

So he says he is ready for a girlfriend now. He focused on med-school, the first three years, hardcore, and now he felt ready to take on the added responsibility of a girlfriend. I admit, I was a little impressed and somewhat surprised at his timing, since he is my age (mid-twenties) and Nigerian. Usually, it seems as though the men are not on that marriage page until their later twenties -- not a blanket statement, as rules always come with exceptions -- but just what I've noticed. So the conversation thickens, and I inquire about his intentions regarding this to-be-determined girlfriend.

His views: One step at a time...

Girlfriend . . . that was it, he just wanted a girlfriend now, but he was not ready to get married. I soon found out he was not necessarily on the marriage page, just the relationship page. They ought to be two separate pages to be read one at a time. He did not really desire for the girlfriend to be his wife at this point in time. It seemed like if it (marriage) happened (seemingly, way down the line) it would happen, but he was not thinking along those lines right now. He just planned to take one day at a time and not jump the gun.

Then he asked me what was my story. “So Alabi, are you married now or what?” This was obviously a halfway comedic statement but an introduction to see my current views on relationships.

My views: Don't step unless it's right...

I don’t want to date. I would like to just court. Although, it seems logical and reasonable to have something in between friendship and courting. Likewise, it seems illogical, somewhat drastic and maybe even unreasonable, to enter a relationship and just know that they are the “one.” I know it may not make absolute sense, but it doesn’t really have to; it's not a science or formula, but art and analysis. But with that said, I will say, I have been considered something like a cupid, and my success rate is continuously improving ;-) but I wouldn’t say I’m a relationship guru, just yet.

This topic came up in a conversation with another friend, I nicknamed “Roger,” who was also confused at my "math" lol. Here is the gist of the conversation.  I just assumed he was ready to “wife-up” his long-term girlfriend. But he also let me know, that’s not the way men think.
Roger: so you don’t date, you just look forward to courting? I think I'm getting it all wrong.
me: LMBO, whoa whoa whoa Roger, nah dude not that I don’t. I have guy friends, but I mean idk, not gonna just date anyone.
Roger: lol, I don’t even know what that would mean.
me: so yeah they try to holla you know
Roger: umm…I think I do
me: but if I’m not feeling them, why bother!
Roger: okay so...they try to holla, but you don’t give them the time of the day because you're not feeling them? or ‘cause you're not supposed to date but just court?
me: the first mixed with the second. I’m not gonna date them if I don’t like them, so it goes with the second too. Like, I definitely wouldn’t court them. I prefer to get to know the person really well, as good friends, before I even think about dating them, otherwise 'friends' is good enough for me.
Roger: if you like him, then get to know him, you would date him? ‘cause it sounds a little crazy to jump from like and know him to courting him, that’s a long jump...most dudes wouldn't ride like that.
me: oh sure sure, mos def
Roger: most def what?
me: yeah like I would get to know him first! then learn that I like him. then! start dating but it’d be like ok I could be with this person long term, otherwise it’s like what’s the point if I couldn’t?
Roger: lol right but that’s something that nobody really knows. Everybody would like to get it right the first time...well maybe not everybody.
me: mmmmm
Roger: but nobody truly knows, right?
me: yeah but if I know it’s not! then no way, like I need to get out of it fast, but learning from my last, I shouldn’t even get in it!
Roger: Okay wait a minute...there's no way you could have known not to get into a relationship like your last in the first place right? You obviously like whoever it was when you first met them. My point is only God knows stuff like that, so you can't say "I shouldn’t get into it in the first place"

By the way, this conversation with Roger was over a year ago, and partly comedic. But, hopefully this excerpt helps to break down my logic and highlight a man’s thought process. I still stand by my views, but even then it's important to understand that “only God knows stuff like that.” So until then (and after!) – we just pray. Thanks for the insight Roger and undergrad friend.

So ladies, (well men too...=)...) there's only one statement that comes to mind, which sums it all up:
Stay on guard, and be prayerful.” – Bade D.


  1. Interesting perspective between the way men and women approach dating.
    Very nice post Alabi!!

  2. Well from a guys perspective as an African, I would say Men are brought up to know that its their responsibility to take care of their family.

    With the current economic climate, For a guy to be financially stable to take care of a family. He would have been done with college and worked for a couple of years. This means he is in his late 20's. Thats the time he would start thinking about serious dating that has the potential to lead to marriage.

    A guy dating at 22-24 is basically testing waters and would gravitate towards 19-21yrs old girls who are also out for the fun. He is not financially stable, emotionally matured to handle a marriage bound relationship. This is the type the couple break up and make up about 3 times every month for the most trivial things.

    Its often said that a girl is more matured than her age-mate of the opposite gender.


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