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Learned Student, Honest.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Soul mates and value systems wrap-up.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to provide me with their list and offer their candid responses. I know this is generally a personal topic; therefore I purposely made the lists anonymous, so that people could be honest and open. Additionally, I did not want people to know exactly what someone desires. Then you have the danger of someone, on a mission, trying to adjust their qualities to someone they may be interested in; deception.

In my assessment of these lists and what I know of the contributors, I see they are based off people’s personal experiences. First, some lists were created from memories of what they are used to and what they liked growing up in their parents’ relationship. Someone may desire someone just like their mom or dad.

On the other hand, some lists are based off of what they didn’t like or didn’t see growing up and want to make sure that experience does not become generational or reappear in their own marriage. These people do not desire the qualities (or lack thereof) of their parents in their future spouse.

Additionally, some people may have tailored their list based on what they did not like from a past girlfriend or boyfriend. There is also the slimmer possibility that they desire qualities from an ex and included that in their list as well. For the most part, I know that the reason you broke up will probably appear on your list in the reverse form. ie. If your ex was not firmly rooted in their beliefs, you probably want the next (and hopefully final) person to be firmly rooted in the faith.

I see many qualities on the lists based off of scripture, sermons and teachings on marriages and how it ought to be. There are some married couples we see and we just know that their marriage reflects a Godly marriage.  Who wouldn't want that? If we know the formula then that is what we will strive to attain. Overall, it is safe to say that the lists were derived from combination of two or more of the aforementioned.

You may have a list of things you desire in a spouse, just the same, your spouse also has a list of things they desire in you. They could have a similar list to someone who contributed to the previous blog posts. So as you review your list of desired qualities, examine what you have to offer and improve on before you’re ready to enter into this life time commitment. These qualities should be discovered, initiated and developed during your single season.

One of our pastors told us that as we get deeper into the study of the Word, some of the qualities begin to change and some become less important. There are probably only a few qualities that would be considered deal breakers. It is also noteworthy that some people realize that the qualities they desire may not be fully developed at the onset of the courtship and subsequently marriage, but instead will develop overtime. However, please don’t go into something with that mindset or believing the person will change, or even less credible, that you will change that person.

I can understand why some people are more aggressive in their tactics or unsubtle hints when pursuing someone, since now there are several people, they probably feel the need to be somewhat competitive. Depending on the scenario, this is can be commonly referred to as thirsty, maybe a bit dehydrated. I don’t approve of that at all. That is an attempt to play God and take matters into our own hands.

I especially dislike when women do it, it’s actually one of my pet peeves, because it signifies to me that the woman does not value her worth. Someone has not had that discussion with her to help her understand her value.

Male friends are pretty consistent with the notion that a woman pursing a man is a turn off and if they really like a woman they will pursue her. As one pastor said, “it is okay for the woman to give the green light;” you don’t have to play hard to get, but you should have respect for yourself. The man should still be pursuing the woman: “A man who finds,” not a woman, and that’s all over the Book.

Let the Holy Spirit guide your actions, thoughts and choices and “stop trying to turn Ishmaels into Issac.” That person may be a good person but not necessarily the good person for you. Notwithstanding our free will to choose coupled with our inability to predict the future, you can still include that person in your prayers, whoever and wherever they may be, as well as your marriage, your unborn children and so forth. When the person comes, as fairy tale as it may sound, I believe you’ll receive confirmation and peace (and maybe even "butterflies" as one friend refers to it).

It will be interesting, in a lovely way, to see who everyone ends up with, in the years to come, in His perfect time.

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